DUDE... Your Sh1t Stinks...

I've never been good at lying. Because even if I lie, I still tell it. I am normally way too blunt and most of the time I'm so so brutally honest. Gosh, I just want to tell the truth and nothing but the truth so help me God. I am a compassionate person and I don't like hurting someone's feelings. I have no time for sugar-coating to spare feelings. I just want people to know how they really are. I don't think it would help someone when you tell him anything other than the truth especially when they really need to hear it. I have come across a lot of people who can't handle the truth. Some were totally pissed off with me, for not hearing any positive statement from me. I don't think anyone can be considered as a "Good Friend" if they approved anything you do especially when you are headed down a dangerous road. A "Real Friend" tells the truth to your face, even  when that truth cuts you like a knife. That wouldn't mean your friends doesn't love you or support you, they just want to save you from your grave, if they know that you're already digging your own.

I only got few good friends which I considered my "Best Friends"... They are the ones who would always tell me if I am totally dead-wrong for what I am doing, sometimes I would listen to them but there were times that I'd never heed any of their warnings... and it chewed me out. I've learned my lesson the hard way. But I've moved on. My friends are still what they are to me, now that we are all facing new challenges, the friendship remains and we are still helping each other pick up the pieces of our lives. I cherish what they say, even when it's not exactly what I want to hear.

I don't want people telling me that I'm really good as is, and that everything I do is great and I'm just OK. I don't like friends like that because I don't think I can be that kind of friend too. I've always want to hear the truth, no matter how much it hurts. I may ignore it and still do my own thing like an Idiot, but at least I'll know I had someone's care enough to tell me what I NEED to hear, and not just what I WANT to hear. So I'm telling you right now that I will never be your "YES MAN"... look elsewhere if you need one. Because I'm the kind of person who got no problems telling you when YOUR SH1T STINKS!

I'm just thinking...

I feel like a lot of people claim they dont care what other people think of them but in some way I believe all people care to some extent how other perceive them. Right?

379

365 days had passed... I have come across a lot of people who can't be THE REAL THING. I didn't care enough  if I was headed down a dangerous road. I lived spontaneously. I still do my own thing like a fool...
As I closed my eyes I saw you, your flesh. It brought back all the pain, I didn't see any goodness. Everything were all mean. I packed up all my troubles in my old kit bag and smiled. I told myself that one day I would leave and will never return. I'm reminiscing everything that happened on this same day a year ago. You shed tears without even telling me what's behind it all. Then you left without any word and has never come back. I've wasted my life waiting for you to come around, but never did. My family and friends failed to be there to support me. I've searched that inner personal strength in me. Emotionally and Intellectually and I myself became the SUPPORT. I've realized that, you shouldn't have to prove anything to the people who are supposed to love you most. I know if I can no longer take care of myself they will either help out or others will or I will just die. I had enough and maybe none and I don't spend much time looking to others for help. This dysfunctional life you've left me brought me down but I've moved on easily. To your surprise. I told myself I'd give you 183 days to explain. Never a word. I waited, I've been patient, you have to give me that and condonation too. You just left and pushed me away too many, with no concern how I was gonna be. The feeling wasn't good for me. It might be fine for you. Never came to think how I felt. On the 183th day with no show of you. I began to embrace what's left without any traces of you.  I didn't think anymore that I should worry about what you think and what you feel. Should I? I'm not gonna be there when you come back to explain, Sorry. I'm living without anything to lose and I pride myself because I got everything. I just don't fit in with the general crowd in society, but I have become incredibly self-sufficent and resourceful relying on myself! No true suport I have, but ME! It may be true that TRUE LOVE IS RARE, but me as your wife, was and would be your only REAL THING... Perpetually.

5 FLAVORS

1) Napoleon's Army Surrendered...

2) Fantasy Awakens But Dreams Are Over...

3) Market Would Be Close Without Prior Notice...

4) Game Stays Young But Player Gets Old...

5) Goodbye Nothing... Hello Everything...

My Everyday School...

It's like everyday I have to take a "Bar Exam" everywhere... People around me aren't tired of putting me on a test. Examining how are they gonna be able to BREAK MY TEMPER... I always pass the behavioral part, I guess I excel on that... Keep trying! My Apathy is getting worse, I'm feeling numb about stress, whether with my family or friends... all of them has only one purpose, to "Arouse The Monster" in me... but I'm really getting used to it, the lack of enthusiasm is always present. I'M BORED OF REACTING and most especially  I'M BORED OF GETTING MAD. So please guys try harder :P

Laugh-gasm

I've always been In-Love with Laughter... I love people with a great "SENSE OF HUMOR". They always say that laughter is like a tranquilizer with no side effects...It's like a very strong antidote for severe pain and stress. I laugh a lot and I always have LAUGH-GASM especially at home and when I'm alone, lol... though I rarely laugh to just someone's joke, it must be something new and not an irritating, over-used caused of a migraine ... Laughter bring people closer... and there are times that it heals something that's broken...a Cracked joke in the middle of an argument can sometimes clear the air. Everyday God would send me something to laugh at... like a regular day full of stupidity which can give me an excessive laughter the whole day and would make my stomach hurt and later on I'll cry.  I laugh at my niece every time she's about to go and check her Facebook like a ferocious animal, I laugh at my Mom... everyday she would misplace her mobile phone that she'd always ask my little nephew and suspect him, I laugh at my Dad every time he would ask someone to get his water at the "FRI-GI-DER"(with Bulacan accent). I laugh at my neighbor's music, I call him the "Sound Freaker" his enormous love for "Kundiman" music really kills my sanity every morning... sometimes it makes me think that there's satanic message attach on his songs. I laugh at people staring at me on the street like they would always see a "Fairy" on her skinny sexy jeans....hahaha. I laugh at someone's silliness all the time, I guess silliness just makes life more interesting...I laugh at someone's agony... and I also laugh at my own, that makes my whole life in writing more productive, hahaha. I laugh at people who don't get my sarcastic sense of humor... I don't know if some jokes don't easily appeal to everybody or the person I'm talking to is just too Dumb, hahaha.Well I still think that I'm F...... Hilarious. Hmmm  Maybe some people will never get your sense of humor and others will, and they are smart people. lol. You can always use silliness plus laughter as a way to escape the pain for a short time. I know there's people out there who finds my life laughable....here's what I wanna tell you, Life is so uproariously funny not to laugh when you can, even if it's about something dumb I did. Maybe I did it on purpose to help You laugh away your pain. 
All together, let's have a screaming and mind blowing.... LAUGH-GASM... :P

Just A Question... Should I?

Should I really need to stop caring for what they think at this point? Should I really need to completely disregard their opinions? If  I don't take them to heart like I used to... Would I be able to continue? Or should I just continue to do me?

My Perfect Blend Of DYKE

I love women so much... I'm a lesbian and I am definitely proud of being who I am. Femme or Butch there's no difference, I like them... I've met some Lesbians...but only few astounds me. I love a lesbian who still admit that she's a woman. Someone who knows what it's like to be discriminated against, but instead it makes her more open-minded and understanding. I like a Dyke who isn't afraid to show her weakness, that would give me the opportunity to baby and nurture her. I love it. I like someone who doesn't feel ashamed to acknowledge when a man is sexy. Something that A LOT OF LESBIANS FEEL THEY CAN'T DO.  Does it make you less of a lesbian.. if you give men their props? what's so wrong with that.? It doesn't do anything for me... but I can still appreciate... hmmm

Robin Padilla is totally Hot and Sexy Gorgeous Man :P

I love wearing girly clothes and heels. But if I'm dating a femme like me, I definitely have more of a masculine type and more dominating. It's so important for me to meet a lesbian who understands this duality in me and I think I might be better suited for someone who also falls somewhere in between. I need just a touch of tomboy to be fully satisfied... it would be nice to sort of have the best of both worlds.. not too soft not too hard. I find it so stupid when there is a Lesbian who think of herself as more "MANLY" than a real Guy. That Sucks! Keep in mind that you're still a girl and a woman. But I want to be clear that I'm only dating  "LESBIANS'. I never had interest on someone who is only "Bi-Curious". I want a full-time Lesbo, someone who is so certain about her sexuality, and admits that she's "L". I want the real thing...It's either you're Black Or White...or Straight Or Lesbian.

Invulnerable + Apathetic = ME

I'm tired of placing myself open for vulnerability because I pride myself on being strong. And I'm completely capable of keeping my emotions intact in the presence of others. I manage my depression like a Champ! I should get the "Best Actress" award for my ability to look OK when all evil unleashes Hell towards my life. I am usually the one who remains calm in the midst of a storm. So when something drives me to the point of crying in front of someone, it's got to be really serious... I mean really really serious. That person should be very close to me. I would only feel so embarrassed if I do cry, and I would worry that someone might just have something to hold over my head. I hate someone to witness my vulnerability in case I'm in the midst of anything...


I've missed the part where I have to put myself into a pit of trouble...weeping for something that torn my soul. I'm getting to the point where I'm becoming emotionally detached or APATHETIC, if you will. I'm not at the place of accepting the things that are negative. I'm tired of wondering where I stand or what's going to happen next. I'm tired of hoping and dreaming for things I'll never have. I'm tired of hating myself, I'm fed up of having bad feelings and intense discussions and I'm so sick of getting MAD at people because that would only mean "Having To React". The problem with apathy is that it often causes stagnation, and I never want to get to the point where I stop striving for positive change in my life, circumstances, and relationships. I think feeling numb is my way of protecting myself from the pain of everything I'm going thru, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I just know that sometimes pain is the only thing that makes a person get up and do something.


Now I'm really worried that my apathy is an early warning sign that I'm giving up on some of the things I've been wanting. I'm longing for pain and I guess I have mastered it...it's like Nothing and No one can break me now. Name me asleep or insensitive...But I'm totally in Ecstasy. I'm living in pain and I can Rest... I hate it every time I have to convince myself that I am actually on an emotional distress and it needs my response, because honestly I don't feel anything... Agony has become the reason for my living. This astonishes me...because up to this point, I feel nothing.

ACTIVE LISTENING

Why do I concentrate on me at every point? Every time I would start to open my mouth I would always focus on "ME"... I think I'm Smart, I'm friendly, I'm attractive and most of all I'm so SELF CENTERED. I re-read all I've written here and some that I haven't posted...just to check how many times I've written "I" in comparison to "You"...I've also noticed that whenever I'm talking to someone, I would not find the patience not to BUTT IN at anytime I would wanted... I asked myself,  Why do I do this? What would it make me? (see it's still all about me?) OK so there are some people who cannot listen to others and can easily turn the topic of any conversation onto themselves...I guess they are called "Bores". Am I one?

I never liked someone who don't know how to listen...seriously it is one of my requirement to any new ones I would meet. I guess It's my primary "Requisite" or a DEMAND. I want someone who's a GOOD LISTENER. They would always WIN my attention, again the self centered "ME" reappears. hahaha.

Let's talk about "ACTIVE LISTENING"... Everyone who had a few COLLEGE CLASSES talking about active listening, or had SOFT SKILLS TRAINING for call center jobs, please raise your hand now! WHAT IS ACTIVE LISTENING? According to Thomas Gordon (Widely recognized as a pioneer in teaching communication skills), "Active listening involves carefully attending to and demonstrating understanding of what another person says". And according to GOOGLE WEB DEFINITION..."Active listening is a way of listening that focuses entirely on what the other person is saying and confirms understanding of both the content of the message and the emotions and feelings underlying the message to ensure that understanding is accurate." WOW!


But... Do you really listen to those around you? Would you say you actually know how to listen? Your family, friends, classmates, teachers, co-workers, clients, lover, boss, sales lady...would you say you really can listen to them? Generally a lot of us know how to, but most of the time we would relinquish any information or knowledge, like the way we tune out any TV or Radio advertisement or people we're not really interested in or things that bother us. Sometimes we neglect the benefits of opening our ears and most importantly our mind to those around us by LISTENING. Often we only end up hearing what we want to hear instead of what was actually said. Listening is paying attention, processing and remembering all that is being conveyed verbally and sometimes non-verbally.

Listening is not different from investing for a business...there's always a profit on it. In order to get what the other person is trying to say...First, you have to be in SILENCE. The power of Silence is Great. You GET MORE by keeping quiet. The basic idea is that, as you listen to someone, you pay special attention to comprehending what this person says... So YOU LEARN MORE. This applies to everything... like business, school, work, social gathering or even a romantic relationship. Listening to someone with a complete focus really taught me well, and the best thing about it is I AM HAPPY. I've realized you can learn more with your ears than anything else. Some people has the GIFT OF GAB but if you are not willing to listen you are nothing. Listening is everything.

Active Listening can be a powerful tool...it can develop a positive feeling, admiration and respect. On the other hand it can also produce damaging emotions. But you can always prevent it if you know HOW TO LISTEN. But keep in mind that being the LISTENER wouldn't give you that excuse to just sit back and do nothing. How you listen is also as important as How you speak, doing so, you're giving the speaker the assurance of being appreciated and understood. And you do owe them the courtesy of listening.

Being on a romantic conversation...I believe that THERE IS NO ISSUE TOO SMALL TO SHARE. Romance needs COMMUNICATION..... which needs better understanding and the biggest part of good communication is LISTENING, and it's very helpful in connecting with people. And by active listening you are giving someone some sort of a gift, and it's one of the greatest. Also take note that Active listening is very different from the way we usually deal with arguments... It is very difficult to carry out this change especially when both of you are upset, but Don't get discouraged if it doesn't work right away. Just Keep Trying... 

                       

                              SO ARE YOU LISTENING??? :p

I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT

Nearly everyday, I'm opening my heart up to someone who could use a little of its shine... my family, my friends whether new or old, and I'm so tired. Bracing myself that today is the 12th of the month, I just came up to mind that I should be broken today. It's surprising that I'm on a NEW STATE OF DIFFICULTY... Today I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT... because I'm already FORSOOK. This is another day I'm going to lose, everything I had so far was just a fantasy I have to LIVE perpetually. And tonight I will be BROKEN and dreaming my life away.  I'm a clingy drama queen to myself. Shunned the real me. It's You and you're saving me from myself...You know that I need You right now, and it will be cruel to call it quits when the going is hard for you...I can't face this, but I know I'm used to this...I pinned all my hopes on all these, and I'm so so much in PAIN. This part is so scandalous... I just have to drop it like it's HOT. The moment I spoke those words I lied that I'm gonna be OK. I would never be, the laughing were fake... and I really want to move far far away and change my name. But I just did what seems the best thing to do. I lied again. You have given me the greatest possible happiness even for a short time, but I'm only spoiling your life. I owe You all my recovery... What we had was THE MOST BEAUTIFUL feeling I had. You're BEAUTIFUL. I feel certain that I'm going CRAZY again. Until the last time I'VE SEEN THE CERTAINTY OF YOUR GOODNESS...and I can't find back at this time. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, more than You do and I'm sorry I would never be able to CHANGE MY ROLE...I can't give you what you desire...I can't love you differently on another time. The kind of love I have for You would remain forever...please please just keep my words, that's all I have... I'm keeping yours. We still don't know IF THE WHOLE UNIVERSE WOULD CONSPIRE TO BRING MAGIC ON US. I Love You.

"Dreams Of Foregone Times"

HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS!!! Bunch of kisses...

It's my first time to feel certain that it's already new year... Last year was a huge trauma, I wasn't  as simple as broken, HEY I'VE LOST MY SOUL. And there is nothing worse than feeling that everything is perfect only to find out that it isn't how you thought. I have spent all my time with the greatest MISTAKE of my life and that felt like being smothered, controlled, insecure and never to have my own space. And the worst part of it was my sacrifices wasn't appreciated. It has generated a pus not being able to understand all the emotions right after I was left behind. I was used and abused and I've been thinking of things I could have done differently to change everything. And I had to understand that she has made me give up my life so that she could live her life...Life would not be always fair. I've been waiting for a closure and it never surfaced until today... I realized that sometimes NO closure, IS closure. For six months, I had to dig deeper and buried myself into the grave until I found myself  back on my feet again...everything is better now. Borrowing words from somewhere... it's says that "BROKEN HEARTED" is like a broken mirror, it's better to leave it broken than trying to fix it and hurt yourself... you would only bleed yourself and even you put it back together, the traces and marks would stay there forever that wouldn't be a good one to look at. I'm so so done weeping and agonizing... I left everything that's broken in 2009 where they belongs...hahaha. Sometimes you have to guess that if You cannot solve something and tried brooding all your life, then You must know that it's no longer a problem because it's REALITY. Accept it!

Happy Sabbath Day

Today, I asked GOD that I would be able to stand the unrighteous hours even the most Evil day... "Put it into practice and the GOD of peace will be with You"...Amen : ) Philippians 4:9

2010...A Complete Breakthrough

I can't list of everything that amazes me...this year is such a great great one for me, and here are a few that immediately comes to mind...

 I AM AMAZED...
- By writing...been doing this all my life and it's getting better...
- By music and the way it moves me...
- By children...and how easily they can make me smile...
- By being on the number two position...
- By how I could possibly make someone happy...
- By movies and the way it reaches the very core of my head...
- By the way anybody would fish for my attention...
- By giving Love...on a Paramount degree without even expecting something in return...
- That Mariah Carey won another award for People's Choice...she got that a lot...
- That reading really teaches me...
- That I was able to surrender everything that belongs to my past...
- That I'm still alive...
- That I'm not in a psychiatric ward...
- That I am so vastly attracted to women... physically, mentally and socially.
- That I love performing oral sex on a woman as much as I do.  Like seriously... it's become an Obsession.
- That I'm seriously embracing the Glory Days.

    More to come.......

ACE Hardware...the Helpful Place!

I have depression and it's really taking a toll on my life...It'll be like, I'm always jealous of people who can afford to buy their household stuff at ACE Hardware store. Yes it's the leading hardware store in the US and I'm not sure if it is in the Philippines since we got Handyman for closeted homosexuals. On their site they say that ACE Hardware Store has only one purpose... it is to bring the ultimate one-stop-shop for the latest solutions for home improvement. I admit that I got so many problems at home that needs a better condition. I can only afford to purchase some at the Home center from a cheaper store... but I really need some of ACE Hardware. I want it more than anyone could imagine. I'm so so desperate...
I've been suffering from severe anxiety this past days and it's getting worse. I'm unable to concentrate at all on my work.  I feel like a total failure. I don't know how else to cope with my depression. I harbor thoughts of dying although I know I'd never attempt suicide.
I've been imagining about "OWNING" a franchise of ACE Hardware Store...though I know it would just destroy the only person's trust I really care about. If I see someone carrying a plastic bag of ACE Hardware, I can't help but to worry about life...I'm taking control of my situation but I can't help it but to think about it. I know that if I keep doing what I'm doing my situation will go away... I really want something from that store... I want everything I could get there... I've only had one chance for what seemed like a lifetime when I went to the nearest ACE Hardware Store two weeks ago. I was extremely happy for a day and it's almost a miracle. I miss that day, I hope someone would bring me back there, I wish I've had enough...I want to change mind...but I won't maybe in a few days I would switch, is there something better than this helpful place? Should I look on some place elsewhere?

How old is Jesus Christ?

Many had said that Jesus of Nazareth our savior was crucified at the age of 33, so on this statement he would be 2042 years old as of December 25 2009...if you count the time of after death. The dates were still uncertain since there is inconsistency on the first calendar that has been made. Some believes that Jesus's real birthday should be September 25. But I am sticking on the custom and tradition of celebrating Christmas on the 25th of December every year.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!!

Not this time...

If what I think is going to happen soon... I would avoid it as far as I can... seems like only yesterday, and yet so far away... Had dreams and plans, some had changed and some remains... It's like so much time coming and so little time before I can see myself going down. Why would I have something now? I haven't worked for anything in my life... I guess my whole existence was entirely based upon my own selfishness and insanity. Why now?

I'm afraid...my dreams might come into reality...

I've always been guided by my dreams... Last night was one of the most scariest.  I know something so inescapable is about to happen SOON...  Paris was there...Romance is chasing me. That sucks! and this stupid song kept on playing... "EVERY TIME YOU GO AWAY". I never liked this song, it was there as a background music, it's on my head like a broken album. Only kids would love to have sweet dreams like this...and it's a huge nightmare to me.. ssssssssshit. I'm so so certain that I am not ready for it.
Here I'm passing the burden to you, take a grasp and enjoy it...

Hey! if we can solve any problem

Then why do we lose so many tears

Oh, and so you go again

When the leading man appears

Always the same thing

Can't you see,

we've got everything goin' on and on and on

CHORUS:

Every time you go away,

you take a piece of me with you...

Every time you go away,

you take a piece of me with you...

Go on and go free, yeah

Maybe you're too close to see

I can feel your body

move

It doesn't mean that much to me

I can't go on sayin' the same thing

Just can't you see,

we've got everything

baby

even though you know

CHORUS

I can't go on sayin' the same thing

'Cause baby, cancha see,

we've got everything goin' on and on and on

CHORUS

UNTITLED

They say LOVE that stays longer in your heart is the ONE THAT IS NEVER RETURNED...

I'm still rendering the soon to be My greatest Blog ever, named as "The Fabric Of My Life". Unexpectedly... Again... I just had another abrasion on my skin. I am petrified, I just lost. I keep on proving it to everyone that I WOULD ALWAYS LIKE WHAT I SHOULD NOT...AND I WOULD ALWAYS LOVE WHAT I COULD NOT HAVE...I've been doing it eternally...

I am loving this person...not mine entirely, but she has my unconditional love. Rules were broken so I have to let go...It's true that any break up is like having a wicked nightmare after having the greatest dream... WTF! 
 
How can I say goodbye to you...since I never really had YOU?

Why do I feel like dying endlessly for YOU who was never really mine?

I LOVE YOU though your love was never MINE...


I want to fight...but no, I would never cross any boundaries... I want You. And I would always love you...I don't want to think that part of loving is always to let go... You'll never lose me.