Invulnerable + Apathetic = ME

I'm tired of placing myself open for vulnerability because I pride myself on being strong. And I'm completely capable of keeping my emotions intact in the presence of others. I manage my depression like a Champ! I should get the "Best Actress" award for my ability to look OK when all evil unleashes Hell towards my life. I am usually the one who remains calm in the midst of a storm. So when something drives me to the point of crying in front of someone, it's got to be really serious... I mean really really serious. That person should be very close to me. I would only feel so embarrassed if I do cry, and I would worry that someone might just have something to hold over my head. I hate someone to witness my vulnerability in case I'm in the midst of anything...


I've missed the part where I have to put myself into a pit of trouble...weeping for something that torn my soul. I'm getting to the point where I'm becoming emotionally detached or APATHETIC, if you will. I'm not at the place of accepting the things that are negative. I'm tired of wondering where I stand or what's going to happen next. I'm tired of hoping and dreaming for things I'll never have. I'm tired of hating myself, I'm fed up of having bad feelings and intense discussions and I'm so sick of getting MAD at people because that would only mean "Having To React". The problem with apathy is that it often causes stagnation, and I never want to get to the point where I stop striving for positive change in my life, circumstances, and relationships. I think feeling numb is my way of protecting myself from the pain of everything I'm going thru, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I just know that sometimes pain is the only thing that makes a person get up and do something.


Now I'm really worried that my apathy is an early warning sign that I'm giving up on some of the things I've been wanting. I'm longing for pain and I guess I have mastered it...it's like Nothing and No one can break me now. Name me asleep or insensitive...But I'm totally in Ecstasy. I'm living in pain and I can Rest... I hate it every time I have to convince myself that I am actually on an emotional distress and it needs my response, because honestly I don't feel anything... Agony has become the reason for my living. This astonishes me...because up to this point, I feel nothing.